From Punishment to Partnership: Why Working Collaboratively with Schools Matters

When we first entered the world of schooling as a family, our son’s diagnosis was still fresh and raw. We were unsure of what the future would hold or how things would work out, so we braced ourselves.

I'd heard the stories—schools that misunderstood, punished instead of supporting, and left parents feeling like their child was “the problem.”

While our first school experience didn’t quite match the horror stories I’d heard, it certainly came with its own set of challenges.

The large, open-plan classrooms, constant noise, and loosely structured routines simply weren’t the right environment for my son.

He often found it hard to interpret expectations, became easily overwhelmed by the sensory input, and was frequently dysregulated and misunderstood—resulting in regular phone calls to collect him early.

We were often presented with recounts of difficult moments that the school couldn’t quite make sense of, and the suggested solution was usually to “talk it through at home.”

But that rarely helped. He either didn’t want to revisit what had happened, didn’t have the skills to express his side of the events or didn't have the ability to connect our conversations with future choices and actions.

Although the school’s intentions were good, their approach often centred on using consequences to teach better behaviour. But when a child doesn’t yet have the skills to self-regulate, consequences don’t teach—they only instil shame and guilt. My son knew he was struggling. What he didn’t know—yet—was how to manage himself in those moments.

So when the opportunity arose to move to a smaller community school, we took it—and it’s made a world of difference.

Just yesterday, there was a misunderstanding over something as small as his place in the line, and he found it hard to move past this and return to class expected.

The school’s response?

Monitor his safety, reassure him he wasn’t in trouble, and gently work together to figure out what had gone wrong.

Because he couldn’t explain, they didn’t push—they supported and

by the time I came to collect him they had worked out the challenge, he had expressed his side of the story and made his way back to class to say good-bye to his friends with 5 minutes to spare.

Of course, it’s not perfect.

He still has days when things get can't be worked through. And yes, we’re still sometimes asked to unpack things at home. But now, we’re part of a team. A team that sees the whole child—not just the behaviour challenges.

So what’s different this time around?

What Makes It Work:

1. Seeing behaviour as communication: The school views challenges not as defiance, but as a sign that something isn’t working. They respond with curiosity, not blame.

2. Prioritising regulation over reaction: They understand that a child needs to be calm and regulated before they can learn new skills. Support comes first; teaching follows.

3. Supporting self-advocacy: My son knows he has the right to tap out. He has a safe space and a trusted adult. This has built his confidence and reduced the need for escalation.

4. Genuine partnership with parents: I am not just "mum" who gets the call—I’m part of the plan. They listen, they value my insights, and they work with me.

5. Whole-school strategies that build a better environment for everyone: This isn’t about fixing my child. It’s about creating a school culture that promotes resilience, flexibility, and understanding for all students.

   
   

The Takeaway

While supporting child with neurodiverse needs in a mainstream setting isn't easy it is possible. When schools move from managing behaviour to understanding it, from controlling to collaborating, and from punishing to partnering—they don’t just change outcomes, they change lives. Ours certainly has.

We didn’t get lucky with our child. We got lucky with a school that gets him.

If you're a parent navigating school systems, know this: you deserve to be heard. Your child deserves to be understood. And the right school—one that walks alongside you—can make all the difference.